Excerpt 7

Recently, I revisited a stream of consciousness that included several beliefs about emotional self-protection and my stance on standing my ground. I now face an internal battle, trying to balance what I want with what I feel I need to do.

Knowing that I am the only one there to “save me,” I hold a fierce authority over what I will permit myself to repeat. At the same time, I am deeply aware of my responsibility to teach myself forgiveness and to avoid self-neglect.

The consequence of CPTSD, born from the consistent abuse I endured, created a deep dissonance between these two realms. Both seem necessary, both are desired, and yet both are in competition with one another. The fear of getting it “wrong”—of abandoning myself, of reinforcing something that will later cause me harm—is torturous at times. It’s like a maze: this way, that way—an overwhelming puzzle that can leave me paralyzed.

In my healing, I recognize that a familiar pattern of thought need not repeat familiar patterns of behavior. The threat I detect need not be valid, as the power of that threat is born within.

How do I trust both realms? How do I reconcile both desires? How do I seek resolve between what my past versions see as a “do or die” crisis response, and my future self’s desire not to fight and still feel safe?

I pray. I listen. I wait.